It's okay to feel, discover what you're feeling
These are some important questions we should ask ourselves when it comes to understanding emotions. Let's explore that a little more!
Sometimes feelings can be difficult to articulate, and we can become emotionally messy without even realizing it. At other times we experience those gut feelings that tell us: ‘This person is lying’ or ‘Something is bothering my friend even though she says she’s fine’.
Many times people operate on emotional autopilot, reacting to situations without true awareness or without making a choice about their reaction.
So why is important to understand what our internal radar is telling us, even though we might get uncomfortable, sad or irritated about it?
The solution lies in self-exploration
The fact is that our feelings are with us all the time, constantly present, even in our dreams when we sleep. Feelings are what matter the most to each and everyone of us, moment by moment. So if we want to navigate better the external world and form secure connections with those around us, “decoding” our emotions is the way.
In the great medieval poem La Divina Commedia , when arriving, at the gates of Hell, Dante sees the great horrors inside the Inferno and is gripped with fear realizing there is no way back. Virgil, his guide, who was escorting Dante through Inferno, is asked by Dante 'What's the way out from Hell?' Virgil replied:
'The way out is through. The way out is the way in.'
In our daily lives we try to escape the emotional hell within us by engaging in all sorts of defense mechanisms that protect us from what we find threatening. Instead of acknowledging what we are feeling, we usually engage in defense mechanism such as blame, holding back, withdrawal, even attacking others and ourselves when triggered.
But escaping our inner 'Inferno' isn't really the best way to deal with our emotions. Rather than using our self-protection mode, or our auto-pilot mode, a healthier approach would be to allow ourselves to feel what we have to feel. As Virgil said 'the way out is the way through.'. With self-awareness we can watch our emotions happen without necessarily 'acting out' on them and get triggered.
How then, do you figure out what are you feeling?
To understand what are you feeling it's not always an easy thing because emotions are not always reliable. In same cases emotions can cause past experiences to resurface, clouding our understanding of the present situation. It can be confusing and painful, but with some practice you can gain more clarity about how your emotions can affect you.
So how can you accurately decode what are you feeling without letting these sensations to completely take over?
1. Be brutality honest with yourself
You cannot expect to be aware of how are you feeling if you are denying or minimizing what's going on inside you. If you are not being fair about how a certain situation or person is impacting your well-being, pretending you don't care or pretending that is not affecting you, will only complicate things on the long run.
Thus, observe your faults and weaknesses without dismissing them, that can be the first step towards a deeper level of awareness.
2. Recognize the moments when you're defensive
People express their anxieties and defensiveness in different ways. Some people get clingy, other become short-tempered or irritable, maybe grumpy. Some start to eat too much, others they find themselves not eating enough or not eating at all.
In order to understand what is really going wrong, you must learn how to recognize clues that show you whether you're in defensive, self-protection mode or not. This will allow you to choose your own behavior, rather than continuing to act out in unproductive, compulsive ways.
3. Unplug yourself
It is difficult to realize what is going on inside yourself if you are constantly scrolling through social media, always having your attention engaged in digital content such as reels, shorts or simply just posts. Less time in the digital world, more time to tune into what are you really feeling.
According to research one of the most common effects of internet addiction is frequent time distortion. Mindlessly consuming internet content can not only drain you out, but distorts your time perception leaving you with little time and energy for yourself. So if you really want to understand what are you feeling resist the temptation to use technology to escape a difficult emotional state.
Be the watchman or watchwoman of your own feelings!
Overall, our emotions should make us feel more good than bad. Keep in mind that you are the person responsible for your well-being.
Being aware and keeping track of what are you feeling improves your ability to discern between healthy emotions and toxic ones.
So, being the watchman or watchwoman of your own feelings is about observing and reflecting upon your emotional well-being. By doing so, you take responsibility for your emotions preventing them to spiral out of control.
Article sources
Birch, C. (1995). Feelings. Unsw Press.
Alighieri, D. (2023). Divine Comedy. Germany: Gröls Verlag.
David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. Penguin.
Young, K. S. (2007). Cognitive behavior therapy with Internet addicts: treatment outcomes and implications. Cyberpsychology & behavior, 10(5), 671-679.